we're here!!

We finally arrived in Charlotte on Saturday night. We closed on our house yesterday and moved all our stuff in. We're exhausted, and we're frantically trying to unpack today before Timm goes to work tomorrow, but we're here!

We don't have internet access yet (Michelle's blogging for me) but we're working on it. Thanks for all of your well wishes. I have received calls and messages from many of you, and I will try to return your calls asap!

Day Camp

Another attempt in delaying my tear-inducing thoughts...
I have been going over Michelle's house every day this week for what I have come to think of as Day Camp. (To which Michelle responded that it was much better than Scout Day Camp.)
We've done errands together, scrap a lot, play with the girls, ignore the girls while they play together, watch a couple shows or movies, hang out with her cute boys,snack, and a lot of talking.

I asked the boys to take some pictures with me, and being the sweet ones that they are, they complied. I hate when I think I look a certain way, I feel okay, even comfortable about it, and then I see reality documented in a photograph and I reel from the horror of it. (No comments neccesary, I just like to vent.) Worst of all is Hannah videotaping yesterday. If I didn't love her so much, I would probably shun her- Amish style. Just what I need to see- the weird way I move my mouth when I talk, the expressions I make, the sound of my voice. There's no hiding from the realities of yourself on video- and that's why I told her I must NEVER see that tape. I think it may send me reeling into a crisis of institutional proportions. Even on a good day.
But I digress... The boys are cute, and that's what matters.
The Creative Process/Mess.

I've enjoyed making many art journal pages- Maybe I'll post some of them later. I love my art journals. They are my favorite albums I've ever made, the most fun, the most gratifying, perhaps the most useful at times. I think everyone should keep an art journal of some kind. They can vary so widely and are so personal/subjective that it's something everyone can do with little or no supplies, and with any style or purpose or skill level. I am an advocate.

Mya counseling Bella about the virtues of sharing. The car is a favorite. I think Bella needs one for our new house/driveway.

It's 104 degrees and the pool is full of cool water just a few feet from her, but Bella enjoys long stints 'driving' the car. (motionless) If she thinks of getting out to go int he water and Mya even makes a motion in her general direction she flees back to the car to save her position. She loves the water, so it's even weirder. I wouldn't expect anything else from her. Weirdo.

A sometimes rare moment of harmony.

Michelle's boys Max and Lucas are more attentive than you can imagine a 12 and almost-8 year old to be capable of. They are sweet and competent babysitters to their sister and cousin, and seem to genuinely enjoy their company as well as eachothers. It's no surprise since these 2 boys are remarkable in most every way. I suppose that is Michelle's reward for her small children who seem to want to 'own' her.

Kaylee doing her part as the unusually docile and sweet baby. When awake, she usually just hangs out silently watching the goings on of the household. She only asserts her will and cries when she becomes hungry or tired. She is good company and a good baby-advocate.

One more day of Day Camp with Michelle and Hannah and all the kids on Monday. Then we will take many adult pictures regardless of our feelings of self-worth and beauty that day. We'll just use especially good lighting, poses, and angles.

Happy Things

In lieu of a more thoughtful post that I have brewing, and in fact kept me awake crying last night- I will post a few of my favorite things lately. Just for fun.
First of all is Etsy. I can't believe no one ever told me about this! What have I been missing? I am now obsessed. I never want to buy another gift from any retailer again- only handmade art from individuals on Etsy. I love seeing the enormous spectrum of creativity and art that abounds. It is very inspiring. Not to mention fun. I want a lot of things. Such as:

Okay, this doesn't do any justice whatsoever, but it is a beautiful picture that I want framed for my kitchen. I even know exactly where I would put it. So pretty, makes me happy just to look upon it.

I'm basically just smitten with this. Owls are in, but I think even after the owl fad has sailed it's ship, I will still be smitten with this pendant. I am a friend to the animals. Basically I want this for my everyday necklace. I am pining.

Also loving the robot, and the squirrel.

These images are crappy, so go see this seller's stuff.
This guy makes amazing books.
Such as:



Also, as Michelle posted, I am obsessed with Pandora. See Michelle's Post for details.

Those are my happy things for now. Check them out.

Preparations

I'm pretty much spending all my time with Michelle and Hannah during the day, trying to get in as much as possible while I can. Bella's having a grand old time eating snacks galore and watching shows galore with her 2 favorite friends/cousin.

Eva giving me her best 'smile'.

Hannah and I showing off the boxes we had packed.

Just be forewarned that I will be packing my camera around with me everywhere I go (Michelle's) and taking pictures of everyone I see. I don't have enough pictures of everyone.

No one is safe. You will all be photographed. Repeatedly.

In Recovery

Step One:

Get Ready.

Don't get carried away. I'm doing laundry today so the lounge clothes stay.

Voila! I feel so much better! Crazy. Baby steps.

Ugliest Self-Portrait EVER.

Yikes.

(In pursuit of honest documentation I snapped this when I got home last night. A typical look for me. BTW, apparently I look really crappy from straight-on, so I feel a need to apologize to everyone that I have ever spoken to directly without giving a better view. From now on, profiles or hybrid-perspectives only please. I will be that girl who won't ever look someone straight in the eye. All shifty-like.)

Last night Timm and I were at Diana's house to celebrate Lou's birthday. I was already a little reluctant to go over because I am feeling lame and really disappointed with myself and feel like it is plainer to me when I am in the presence of those I love whom I do not want to disappoint. (Does that make sense? It's completely about ME, not the other people...)
So I went in an effort to back-talk the nasty voices that discourage me so, and of course was glad that I did so. (These are voices as in influences or self-talk, not as in "hit me with some Seroquel!")
But there was a moment when I was forced to reflect and be honest with myself that I wasn't quite prepared for. I just went for the pie.
Diana wanted to take a picture and I forbade her to do so with me in it, because I looked the way I so frequently do, ogre-like. (Meaning no hair or makeup or real clothes, and basically no attempt to look as though I care to avoid being mistaken for a homeless person or a patient of some sort.)My friends unfortunately see me this way quite often. Diana is no exception since she lives just feet from my door. Apparently I feel like we are under no pretenses that appearances matter, unless I make a special effort-then I expect to have my ego heartily stroked and compliments aplenty. The point: I refused under any circumstances to be documented that way and she very innocently replied: "But that's the way I remember you!"

{oohhh.... recovering from the sucker punch my greasy face dealt to my ever-expanding gut}

Again, completely innocent on her part- it's all me. It was a staggering thought that I would be

remembered that way. I don't know why I should be surprised-there's really no way around it. My appearance and efforts at maintaining it are a clear picture into my mental/emotional state at the time. A complete disregard signifies that things are out of whack- it's an outward display of an inner turmoil.

It forced me to reflect on how I would like to be remembered and what changes I so want to make. (Not a foreign concept to me if you know me. Like, at all.) Moving presents the wonderful opportunity for reinvention, renewal, refreshment, and rewriting my life. I have several 'new people' I want to be in Charlotte. (Again, not in the "Seroquel" sense-) I just seem to lack the energy/impetus to force me to change direction, to harness the energy of inertia that is currently leading me into a tightly-wound downward spiral. In my fantasies these all describe the person I can be with a chance to start fresh. I just don't really know how to get there...
I will:

Pray on my knees morning and night-meaningfully

Become a runner-this might change the course of history, or implode the universe or something.

Get ready everyday and participate.

Actively parent Bella

Attend all my church meetings despite how I 'feel'

Not be a moody person-talk about implosions!

Take all of my medication religiously. Compulsively.

Not be a flake.

Eat well- avoid sugar.

Live an active life-style.

Not be ruled by past mistakes and failures.

Not be ruled by 'mental illness.' (Sounds so dramatic!)

Not be dramatic.

Be reliable- to myself and others.

Basically be better version of myself.

So I don't know why I'm balking-who doesn't relish the opportunity to examine their lives, realize every aspect needs improvement or total elimination and then affect change in every aspect? And do it really really fast without any diversions or discouragements.

Sounds fun.

Come and get it!!!

Attention Paper and Craft Lovers of the greater Utah Valley!!!

My move is your opportunity for gain. I am a friends and family-renowned purger, and my impending move has caused scrap purging of wonderful proportions! There would be a ton more stuff to purge except that I do this every month or so. This is just a grander scale. The point:

Come Get My Crap!!!

Except it's not really crap. I will be a t Michelle's house tomorrow for most of the day. If you want to root through this stuff, come over her house let's say... after 11 am. I have paper, chipboard, stickers, rub-ons, eyelets, pretty much all kinds of embellishments, chalks, stamps- a little of everything. Heidi Swapp, SEI, Imaginisce, Pebbles, Basic Grey, all that good stuff. There are some exclusive stuff from some companies I've worked for like Leaving Prints and My Creative Life. If you live far and want the leftovers I'll even send it to you. ... Please come and get it.

If you don't know where Shell lives email me or her and we'll let ya know. Seriously, I'm throwing this stuff away otherwise.

Happenings and Creations

Hannah, Linc, Timm and I went to see the latest installment of Harry Potter on opening day. (or 'Harry Monster' according to Eva...) It was quite a treat- I am not one for spoilers, so all I will say is that it did not disappoint at all, and as a testament to it's quality, I never once wondered when it would be over, which I always do no matter how much I like a movie. (Also, I use way too many commas and don't really know what to do about it except that I think it accurately reflects the way I talk. Or ramble as the case may be.)

The first (and possibly last for a while anyway) picture of the 4 of us.

Here are the latest pages I did in my art journal- I whipped these all up tonight while Hannah was over in an attempt to put some of my ideas on paper before all my paper gets packed up.
Excuse the blurriness, but I don't have the best lighting on my couch after midnight, and I never have the best patience to wait for better light.

'Refresh'

REALLY blurry 'Style'.

'Untitled.'

'30 lbs' (Have you ever known a bigger stickler for documentation? That's me in a bathing suit on the web. And no one wants to see it. Least of all me. But in all fairness, I do like the page. Just not the subject matter.)

'Naked mole rat'

Seriously.

And because you all know what an animal lover I am, Lou (Diana's husband and our friend as well-)brought me 3 skulls. Maybe I should take this opportunity to stress that I am a LIVE animal lover. Even though I am a very curious person I am not so much a lover of animal bones- at least in my house. At around midnight he and Diana showed up on my doorstep with 3 different animal skulls. (Buffalo, cow, and deer.) When he asked where I wanted him to put them I stood silent and stock still for an indeterminable amount of time before stammering, 'oh... you're serious.'

They're for Timm to dismantle and turn. They're also on the back porch. Outside. Untouched by me.

Zoo Trip

Bella and I met Rachelle and Daniel at the Hogle Zoo yesterday for his birthday- here's a recap:

The penguins were my favorite. Have you ever seen penguins swim? They're so cool- they're like torpedoes! They would all huddle on the rocks and then with some unspoken, unsounded signal they would all dive into the water one after another. They would pivot and swivel and dart around the water wildly and then trek back up the rocks.
When they waddled up the rocks they actually made cool waddling sounds. They flap, flap, flapped their little wet wings and slapped their little wet feet upon the hot rocks. I loved them.

It was so hot I even envied them their murky green feather and feces filled pool.

Love those eyes-they're the only thing in focus on this bouncing, bubbly girl.
This is Rachelle's niece Haylee who took a liking to Bella and helped to entertain and feed her. Despite Bella's disturbed expression she also took a liking to Haylee.
Bella overlooking the elephants. She's into animals, and luckily not afraid of any of them so far, but she doesn't quite show the same enthusiasm for them that I do. I don't know that I can really expect anyone to show the same animal enthusiasm that I do, but I hope she does someday. Like I said, at least she's not afraid of anything- bugs, lizards, snakes, everything included.

Loss for Words?

I saved this photo on the 4th with the intention of posting it when I could think of adequate words to accompany it.
After several days of thinking, I decided the adequate words were not coming, and decided to post the photo anyway.



We are moving in 2 1/2 weeks. I had a great 4th, but spent a significant amount of time while at Shell's languidly mourning the future lost spent daily at her house. I am missing the opportunity of knowing the small daily events and details of her house, her life, her routine, her mannerisms...Her everything that I want to emulate and feels so safe and home to be in the presence of...

I know my stream.of.consciousness ramblings don't make the most sense, but it's the best way i know how to describe the feelings I have right now.

Now I just need to snap out of my preemptive saddness and make something out of these last days!

Stylin' DI Couch

I am conducting a survey- I found this couch at DI, and I thought it was a great find! (Of course I still had to call my mom to try and describe it to verify it over the phone-) I never thought that I would buy an upholstered piece of furniture from DI and actually bring myself to sit on it, but this one doesn't smell, isn't sticky, doesn't have any stains, and the upholstery is in great condition! The only place that shows any sign of wear is on the very top/back of the couch, where you can't even see it very well. The cushions are all in great condition. Timm hates it. It's just very retro! But the colors are awesome, in my humble opinion. So what do you all think? (Ir)Regardless-kidding- I still think it's rad.

And it's really long!

Detail of the fabric.
Opinions?