Max's Good Mail

Last week I got the cutest thing in the mail from Max! I'm always excited when I get a big manila envelope in the mail, but was very surprised to see that it was good mail from Max. What could Max possibly be sending me? When I opened it, I first noticed that he wrote me a note on some note paper that he designed and created in Photoshop and it was very cool. His note said: 'Hi Jessie! This is a present for Fiona. I saw this at Target and thought you would like it. Love you! Say hi to Timm and Bella for me! -Max' and as you can see it was fashionably wrapped as well.
And of course, they were super cute! A set of three flannel receiving blankets that anyone would envy. There are several things about this good mail that impress and please me, in no particular order: That Max at 13 years old, saw these and could appreciate how cool they were. That he then thought of me and Fiona, and thought to buy them. That he actually did buy them with his own limited money for no occasion other than 'because'. That he wrapped it, digitally created his own paper and had his mom speedily send it. Max has always been unique- his own person in his own right and never typical or predictable. He was the first child that made me think maybe, just maybe I could want a child of my own someday. At 13 he still impresses me with his sensitivity, intelligence, taste, individuality, and kindness. As he gets older he's more and more fun to interact with as an adult and is never ordinary. Thanks Max! I'll tell baby Fiona about this later...

Lately

Just a few images of the minutea in our lives lately:

Another example of Bella's creative and convoluted collection of playthings- plastic finger puppets, magnets, necklaces, rings, coins, and a button all on her little ironing board. A happy little collection of colors.

We did our first version of Hannah's 'Muffin Tin Monday' and ate it picnic-style in the living room, although ours did not fall on a Monday. I felt pretty good about my offering of peaches, grapes, carrots, wheat bread, goldfish and triscuits, with a cookie each for dessert. Bella felt good about eating only bread and a few goldfish. Oh well, the day before she practically gorged herself on grapes, so it all evens out I suppose.
Excuse the bad lighting, but I had to snap this from a distance one evening while I was on the phone before Timm caught on. I thought it was so funny, and that he is a little dramatic in his own little ways... I know I'm pregnant and even without that excuse I am perpetually too hot all the time, and Timm is great to indulge our family rule of 'The hot one gets to choose', but this is ridiculous.
He looks like a Sith Lord or something. Just for proof I checked the temperature of the house at the time I took this, and it was a comfortable 72 or 73 degrees. I ask you, isn't that a reasonable temperature? I think I'm being quite prudent.
We've had some disturbingly slow drainage in our bathroom sink for some time now, and Timm went to investigate. I was afraid of the likely culprit, hair. Bella was eager to help, evidenced by her hand supported on Timm's back as she leans in for a better look. Timm has her identify the tools he's using and she gets to shine the flashlight wherever he needs it. She was pretty interested, and then he found the clog.
In consideration of the sensitivities of others (and myself) I will not use a lot of detail. It was a lot of hair, and we'll leave it at that. But Bella's reaction was hil.ar.i.ous. She didn't take any cues from me- I didn't react at all, and it fact she never had a chance to glance in my direction before she rapidly backed herself away from the offender, stumbling, hand to her mouth agape. She looked simultaneously horrified, scared, and disgusted. In truth, a pretty accurate representation of how I felt about it. It was classic.
So that's about it for now, for lately.

4 Weeks

Today marks exactly 4 weeks to when we plan to deliver Fiona by C-Section, on September 24th. I will be 36 weeks pregnant and we will go to the hospital to do an amniocentesis to check if she is developed enough to be delivered that day. The test takes a couple of hours, and if all looks okay we will proceed to surgery shortly after! This is essentially what we did when we had Bella, only I was 37 weeks pregnant with her.

There is the possibility that Fiona won't be ready, and we'll have to wait and retest anywhere from 2-7 days later. That would be unfortunate and inconvenient due to everyone's schedules and family that is flying in, Timm taking off work etc. but I feel pretty confident that the 24th will be the day. Even though Bella was 'ready' to be born, she still had 'wet lungs' due in part to her C-Section birth and she had to stay in the nursery until the last day we were in the hospital. She had to receive extra oxygen through a tube and have monitors hooked up to watch her heartbeat. She was fine, but it meant that I had to go to the nursery to see her and feed her, and of course the monitor made me spastic because it would alarm for all sorts of reasons, most of them due to positioning.

This week we start doing weekly non-stress tests to watch her and monitor how things are going. I had to do this with Bella as well, and it was time-consuming and boring, but that was all. Now that I have Bella, I have to tote her along with me, and that is going to prove difficult, I'm sure. Our last regular appointment was at 8:15 so we could get in and out, or so I thought, but we were still there for an hour and a half! Bella's a really good trooper, but we still had a couple of tantrums and it's hard to entertain her for that long, especially in the cramped quarters of the exam room. Friday we go in at 8:30 for the NST (non-stress test) and then I have a regular appt. at 10, so that alone guarantees we will be there for a minimum of 2 hours, although I'm betting more on 3 or so. Not looking forward to that, and once a week too. Another doctor suggested that we do the NSTs twice a week, but luckily I haven't heard that again! Plus, my doctor's office is a good 25 minutes away so I am gas-conscious.
I know these last 4 weeks are going to fly- I can't even tell you where the last 4 went! It's simultaneously exciting and scary. Our lives will never be the same, our family may be completed, various ills and discomforts will be relieved and substituted with new and different ones, I will trade one kind of fatigue for another, my concerns will be slightly alleviated but also transferred to a new set of worries, and I will finally have 2 girls by my side to validate to the world the 2 daughters I have kept in my heart for the last 3 years. I will be a mother of 3, but at last parenting 2 of them.

Ironing

I used to detest ironing. I bought all clothing with the consideration of whether or not it would need ironing, if so, how much and how often. As a rule, I don't buy anything for myself that needs ironing. It's just simpler that way. It would infuriate me when a cute baby 'cloh' would come out of the wash needing ironing, and on principle I didn't do it. Rather than iron something, I would try to rewash and dry it with the hopes that I could instantly retrieve it and salvage it before wrinkles set in. That only worked occasionally. Ironing was for special events, church shirts for Timm- which he had to do- and only done under extreme duress.
Then when Timm started teaching last year we were both surprised that his dress code was so 'fancy'. Absolutely no jeans, and a button-down shirt and tie every day. Sheesh. Since when do high school teachers have to dress up so much? I admit, he does look good everyday. But it forced me to take up ironing.
I decided that ironing Timm's clothes was the least I could do for a man who worked so hard and so much. He has to get up at 5 to get to work on time, and I have a comparatively leisurely schedule. I made the goal to iron once a week so it wouldn't overwhelm me and so that Timm would have have choices. I've gotten much better over the last year and I can now say that I don't 'hate' ironing. Once I get in the groove, it's not too bad and I'm not too bad at it. I'm not crazy like my grandma, Denise, or my mom- in that, I don't iron my sheets, jeans, or t-shirts. Ever. I still stick to the basics and the necessities only.
I seriously let the ironing go over the summer when Timm wasn't teaching, and in preparation for his first day of teaching last Monday I spent three ironing sessions catching up. I procrastinated it for weeks, but then put on a few episodes of Monk and dived in. It totaled to: 19 shirts, 2 pair of dress pants, 2 of Bella's shirts, and 3 of Bella's dresses. I had that feeling of satisfaction that comes when you finally do some mundane task that you've procrastinated doing for far too long.
I say this all to remind myself that I can do 'hard' things, and maybe even learn to like doing some of the household tasks that I currently avoid and make into domestic mountains.
It's a good thing that Shell gave me her old Rowenta iron to replace my cheap one. It was some unrecognizable brand and felt like a toy. Now for a new ironing board that doesn't precariously wobble...

*Happy 21st Birthday Charlotte!!!*

Budgeting: Part II

So I've learned to do without a lot of things- to make do, use it up, or do without. (I admit that this is easier to do when you are blessed by many generous people who appoint you with things you would otherwise not have.) However, one thing I have not yet learned to do without is food. I think that food is the category that I have the most control over in our budget, the most flexibility and opportunity to save money, yet it is so hard for me. Always.
For instance, when I am dieting- or eating well rather, I want/need to be able to buy plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables to have on hand. I cook more regularly when I am conscious of what I eat, so I make out menu plans and want to be able to buy the required ingredients, which are never exorbitant. I like to have a few little diet treats, frozen things for instance, that make dieting easier. In short, I like to have options and variety and not feel too constricted in what I am able to eat based on what I can afford.
Or now for instance, when I am pregnant. I want to be able to indulge my whims of what sounds good at the time. Unfortunately this is usually a wide variety of things, and it seems like I usually don't have it on hand. You feel entitled to be able to eat what you want and pamper yourself during this short period of your life.
Regardless of how I am eating, I always have to eat- thus, I always have this dilemma. Shopping a few days ago I was taunted by all of the wonderful late summer produce available. I love fresh fruit. I bought some plums, peaches, and grapes because they were all on sale, but I was reluctant to leave without watermelon, pineapple, and Fuji apples. All of these were too expensive to buy- I always have apples on hand, but haven't been buying them because they've been too expensive! I love love love fresh cherries, but never buy them due to cost. The same is true of most berries, save my favorite, strawberries when they're on sale. I love bell peppers- but at least $2 a pepper? Forget about it. I would love to have fish at least once a week, and know there are great health benefits, but that is rare to never.Is it too much to ask to buy fresh produce and feed my family well at least in one regard?
I'm not a food snob- I love twinkies as well as fine balsamic vinegar. I want to be able to have various cheeses on hand for salads and cooking. I love to bake, and want all my basics stocked. I love to make smoothies, but frozen fruit can be expensive, and yogurt as well. Bella loves yogurt and wants 2 for breakfast every day- while it is good for her I can't always afford that! My last trip to the store, they had a crazy sale on 12-packs of soda that I couldn't resist, even though I've been delaying giving it up due to cost and nutritional value. So I got 1 12- pack each of Diet Code Red Mountain Dew, Diet Sunkist, Light Lemonade, Pepsi One, and Cherry Diet Pepsi- for $11! That's only 18.3 cents a can, people!! Tell me- do you really expect me to pass that up? I implore you.
I am not an ignorant shopper- I watch the ads, I buy on sale whenever possible, I always compare the cost per unit in everything I buy, I buy generic in many instances- most even. I am admittedly a sucker for a buy one get one free offer, which my favorite grocery store does quite often. At my most vigilant, I perused the online ads of 3 different grocery stores before making my menu plans for the week. Based on what was on sale, I made a menu using sale meats and other ingredients. I would go first to Aldi, a great discount store that carries limited items. Then I would go to my other 2 stores, Food Lion and Harris Teeter, buying the best deals at each one. Then I made a goal that I would not step foot into a grocery store between weekly visits- if we were out, we had to make do. Some of the books and websites I've read endorse crazy coupon-ing that I just can't get behind. They're going to 5 or 6 stores every week, using all kinds of discount and incentive programs in combination with many coupons to whittle down the cost. I am just not willing to go to that level! (For instance, in one week-or day- shop at the Dollar Store, CVS, Wal-Mart, local grocery stores, CVS again, etc.)
Somehow Timm and I also got used to eating out more than we should. Which is, never actually. (The amount of times we can afford to eat out-) That, like most things in life, is simply a discipline issue. I blame most of it myself and my laziness to plan and cook. If I were more on top of that we wouldn't have to resort to eating out because we 'had nothing to eat', or Timm was gone all day and night working at various jobs and had to stop to eat somewhere between jobs. Again, this is where I am failing to do my part in this budget thing. So between my desire for cheap and good food alike, packaged snacks and plenty of fresh produce, specific items for each of the 3 of us, in short a variety and flexibility of food- and my recent unwillingness to plan and cook I am screwing us over. I may have to suck it up on the first part of this equation (being able to have the freedom to just buy what I want) but I've gotta do something about the second- cooking. This has led me to consider something I haven't done in at least a year and a half: Return to 'Once a Month Cooking'. I think it would save us considerable amounts of money because we would always have something in the freezer, and could cook fresh things when I felt like it, avoiding the excuse to eat out. I would make much fewer trips to the store, avoiding impulse buys, which are many. My family would have the benefit of having nutritious meals every night, and I wouldn't be stressing every day about what to feed them, or the fact that it is cold cereal again. So- am I ready to do this again? No, not really. But I've still reserved 2 books at the library on the subject matter and am starting to peruse my old freezer recipe collections. Given some time as I adjust to a new baby, I think we may have to go back to this method to curb some spending and feed my family.

Budgeting: Part I

Timm and I have long had to live within little means- Growing up, I was not rich, but I always had nice things and in general, was accustomed to not going without. Our house was always beautiful (no matter which one it was at the time-) and we had finer than most in taste, if I do say so myself. Anyone who's actually seen one of my mom's houses can attest to the truth of that statement. And I should clarify- we've never had more than one house at any given time, I just remember moving a lot. When I first came out to school I was still finely appointed, especially in comparison to the typical first apartment. I had cute decor and all the kitchen gadgetry I could use. Still it was an adjustment because I wasn't living with mom and dad anymore and was sharing the bathroom with 5 other girls. Then once I started to move on, take on more responsibility, and eventually get married, things really changed financially. I should add that my parents are fantastic at spoiling us. I have a way cuter house than I deserve based on our income. As a general rule of thumb you can assume anything nice I own was definitely gifted from my parents. I never have to go without the things that really matter, and the very fact that Timm and I are still housed under this roof is a testament to the help that our families have given us time and time again.
I preface this by saying: we are not irresponsible with money, as a rule. I have learned to make many, many adjustments to my lifestyle over the years I have left the safety and luxury of my parent's home. Most of these adjustments are nearly painless, or what I have cheerfully accepted the standards of my living to be- this because of adjusting my expectations many, many times. I think I assumed that my upper middle-class upbringing was fairly typical- I recognized that we were blessed and more fortunate in material means than some others, but we were by no means flashy or ridiculous. Because of this I think I also assumed that my adult life would play out similarly. What I did not account for was the fact that my parents have been married for close to 40 years (!) and also started out as poor college students struggling to get by. I see what they have amassed and saved over the years and wrongly assume that it was easy to come by. Also I didn't know that my husband would be an incredibly hard working high school teacher with 3 part-time jobs presently. That doesn't really bring in the money that it deserves- even decades from now.
Timm and I have a budget- a pretty strict(ish) reasonable one, I think. We have a carefully organized series of spreadsheets for each month and year tallying many different categories. The only 'luxury' items on that list are our Direct Tv and high speed internet, which seem like necessities in our time. Every few days I update the spreadsheets against our bank account and account for every purchase. As a rule, we are careful with our money and weigh every purchase. Anything outside of the budget is discussed before we ever spend it, usually on an emergency. I have learned not to go shopping so that I am not tempted by clothes, accessories and 'things' for myself and others. I am willing and able to do without a lot of things.
I have read several books on the matter of family finance, and for better or for worse I have realized that I lack something the authors of these books possess. I am simply not willing to do certain things. For instance, I am not willing to turn on the shower long enough to get wet, then turn it off while I soap up, only to turn it back on to rinse and get out. I never shower ever day, but I am still unwilling to extend the period between showers with sponge baths. I am not willing to cook or bake only during off-peak hours, whatever that means. I think I am reasonable, and even careful about most financial matters. I turn off lights as I leave the room, I only run full loads of wash and dishes. This said, I know where I have a problem- where I could be saving us much more money and seem to really struggle with: food.
Part 2 to come.

Ramblings on Laziness

I'm afraid this might be the only real fun Bella's had all week. On Tuesday we had our friends Molly, Sebastian and Mia over to accompany me and Bella, respectively, in her little pool. It's so simple- you'd think I'd take advantage of this every day! She is thrilled to play in her plastic pool with little or no interaction with me. Add the hose for a while, multiple objects for to fill, dump, and refill, and it's sheer bliss.
It's under this little tent-like gazebo thing that is kind of an eyesore, but provides ample and necessary shade, so I don't even need to bother with sunscreen! (Okay, this is sounding better and better as I continue...)
Molly just laid Mia down on a towel on the deck and she remained asleep amid splashing and loud children! Bella never would have have done that as a baby- Maybe I will have such luck with Fiona!
Sebastian is a favorite of our friends. He's very cute, calm, funny, and not the spastic kind of boy that seems so common and made me fear having boys of my own! He's good propaganda for boys.
So I seem to have zero motivation or energy. I hope that I can blame it all on pregnancy or I'm in trouble. Usually that is the first sign of descending depression, but I've been pretty good in that arena lately. Of course the day goes better if I can just get myself going, then I at least have a little steam to carry me through until 'quiet time.' Then each and every day, we proceed with the quiet time routine, me growing ever more sleepy, then praying that 'if it be thy will, please bless her to go to sleep!' And then... nothin'. I mean, the last nap was last Friday, one week ago. That at least gives me hope that one might occur soon(ish.) So I read for a few minutes and fall asleep, only to be awakened moments later by my timer or her calls to see if quiet time is over. This inevitably leaves me cranky, as I feel like I barely fell asleep and I still have half the day to fill. The last few days there has been an over abundance of tv, and I am fighting feelings of guilt and neglect. It seems I am either sleepy tired and wishing for a chance to lie down, or lazy tired and uninspired to do anything that involves moving from the depression I fear that I've left on the couch. I try to think of productive tasks that can be done from the comfort of that cushy spot, but there seems to be little to none. I try and assuage my feelings of guilt and laziness by thinking, 'Oh, it's just the last few weeks of pregnancy. (less than 5 to go) Of course you're tired. Give yourself a break. An excess of tv won't hurt Bella for this short period of time, and besides- she's happy and doesn't seem bothered in the least. So just give yourself a break.' But then I think of every other woman in the world who has managed to have two children or more and am fairly convinced that most of them did not sit and lead an entirely sedentary life for weeks on end, unless they were placed on bedrest, against their will. I am always thinking of myself in direct opposition to who I term 'normal people' and that everything I think, do, or say is also in direct opposition to them. Also, I am going to be far more tired when I have a newborn, and that transition will last far longer than 5 weeks, so what am I going to do in that period? Rely on tv as a constant babysitter as well? At this rate, this could really continue for quite a while... So for today I am going to go get in the shower. (While Bella stays distracted with a show, of course-) A shower is always a good start to the day and usually precedes an actual getting ready routine, which is the only way possible that I might leave the house, or the couch for that matter. So off to the shower I go.

2 parents are better than one

For Bella's birthday (back in May) my parents got her this cute bike of her own, complete with helmet and basket. I debated whether to get her a tricycle first or just dive right in, but I thought she was big enough to learn the real thing- with training wheels of course. The only problem is that the summer tends to be really hot, and I tend to get lazier the hotter it gets. Plus, teaching her to ride it requires a lot of bending over from the back to hold on and guide her, which I am also increasingly unable and loathe to do.

Enter: daddy.

Yet another reason for 2 parents, whenever possible. He actually had time to do this a couple of times over the 3 weeks that our schedules allowed us to be at home (or in the same state) at the same time.

Gotta love the concentration showing on that face.

Incidentally, her cute shirt is one acquired by Marc on his last trip to Paris. I love those scores. So much.
Hopefully as fall sets in I will have the energy with new baby to take Bella riding some more. Anything to get us both outside. I am too big a fan of the comforts of indoor living, namely air conditioning and the resulting constant and comfortable temperature sans humidity. That indoor plumbing really does it for me too. And no bugs swarming. And you can't hear the cacophony of cicadas that make it sound like we live in a jungle. Plus, comfortable seating abounds inside. No squinting.
Good grief.

Return to Normal

Timm's return home is great evidence that kids need a mom and a dad. When he gets home he can instantly have her in peals of laughter, the kind that I never hear during the day when it's just she and I. I don't have the energy (or the desire for that matter) to crawl around on the floor playing peek-a-boo, tickling, wrestling, giving rides and all the kinds of physical play Timm engages her in.
On Sunday morning he offered on his own accord to paint her finger and toenails. He paid exquisite attention to detail as he applied no less than a bottom coat, 2 coats of polish, and a top coat.
She loved it and was pretty patient, but despite his careful and many applications, most of her fingers were chipped off by the end of the day due to picking at them. She told several people at church that her daddy painted her nails and I think they got a kick out of that.
About 2 or 3 days before Timm got home she started to settle down again and resemble the good-natured girl I've always enjoyed. In trying to examine what I did differently that may have helped her calm down, I came up with just a few things. I tried to get her out more, but most importantly I think was my deliberate breaks of time devoted solely to her. I made sure that I took many breaks out of my day to ask what she wanted to do and then sat and did them with her with no distractions. It was usually coloring or reading, but sometimes pretend play, and I would engage her in 'helping' me bake. The important thing is, I think I made her feel important and loved and valued. I also made sure that there was not a lot of talk about the baby and tried to praise her excessively when she was sweet. I made a point to stop talking about tantrums or bad behavior where she could hear me and make special calls to tell daddy how good she was that day and how happy it made me when she talked nicely and did what mama asked. Taking the focus off of the bad behavior and placing it on the good as much as possible seemed to make a big difference. I am recording all this so I can remember how I got through this phase. It was a really difficult 2 weeks, but all seemed to settle down as abruptly as it appeared. Now she's totally back to normal in terms of behavior and I am treated to her typical good company and only occasional resistance and crying, which is usually quelled quickly. I know there will always be more tumultuous stages and phases ahead, but for now I am happy to settle back in with my little girl and tell myself 'I can do this' as the baby's arrival looms ever closer. So for next time, I will try to remember: 'It's only a phase, It's only a phase...'

And Then There Were Three

I was struck by this sight on Friday night- I filled all of our water bottles before bed, in preparation for Timm's arrival home in the morning. At last, 3 water bottles for 3 people who make this family whole, all under one roof again. It was a long 2 weeks. It's been a long summer. It's good to be together again.

Creative Play

For as long as I can remember Bella has been very creative in her play. As a baby I remember her favorite toy was her nasal aspirator, and at the time it baffled me that she would choose that over all her other toys. It's the same story now with different toys. I've always kind of taken it for granted the way you do with your first child and assume everything they do is typical, but have recently been reflecting more and more on the uniqueness of it. She generally has two ways that she turns her pretend-play into something more creative: she either takes an ordinary toy and finds innovative uses or roles for it, or she takes a household object that shouldn't have any appeal whatsoever and extends it's play for days on end.
For example, here are a few things I've 'caught' her playing with lately. Last week her 'toy' of choice was a container of cat treats. They are small, semi-soft fish shaped treats, and she used them to create a myriad of shapes and characters. At first I thought it was kind of gross, but it kept her so entertained I decided it didn't matter. She took them in and out of that container endlessly and created Squidward's legs, Squidward's face, bridges, and who knows what else for several days. A few days ago she was using some combination of a dustpan, shape-sorting blocks and a flashlight. (The flashlight is a huge favorite. It's key ring sized.) On Sunday she played with all of my bottles of nail polish until I insisted we put them away. For the last few days a favorite toy was a couple handfuls of individually-wrapped Wintogreen lifesavers- and when I say favorite, I mean she can play with them all day in various ways and still extend the game for several days. Yesterday she played with those in addition to Boggle letters, several rocks, 2 tubes of chapstick, and a baby outfit she commandeered to use it's pockets for stuffing, all in our coat closet. Presently she is playing with a collection of magnets, markers, and colored pencils in a shoe box with a beach towel spread on the floor for a 'picnic.' She is also pushing around 2 umbrellas she has named and is racing them. For some reason she has a special affinity for collecting a random assortment of toys and objects, putting them in various containers and purses and carrying them around.
And let's not forget 'hand.' I can't remember when hand first made an appearance, but sometime since we moved. 'Hand' is in fact, her hand(s). She has given them identities and will flutter her fingers around in the air, acting out their play. She uses them to make excuses, such as 'But hand wants to play with the fork!' and the like. Foot even makes an appearance every now and then, but the hands are a given.
She loves a lot of traditional toys and games like coloring, books, stuffed animals, plastic figures and board games, but will also find new innovative uses for them such as making shapes out of her crayons. Other favorite objects in the past include spoons, spatulas, buttons, pens, and our phones. I am glad that I can appreciate this uniqueness about her and continue to document it all with photos. In the mean time I am glad to have recorded it for future reference. She is a silly, creative girl and this creativity has given me invaluable time while she entertains herself. For that I am doubly grateful.

Sanity Presently Intact

I've been trying to think of more things for Bella and I to do outside the house lately. I am a consummate homebody, and as she gets older and more active and more difficult, I realize that 3-year olds are not meant to stay cooped up all day. I know it's good for both of us, and it will be a good habit to acquire, but it takes some thinking sometimes to think of free or inexpensive things to keep doing, especially when it's so hot. Today we went to Monkey Joe's because it's half price and adults don't have to pay, making it only $4. A small price to pay for 2 hours of fun activity and the hopes that it would inspire a nap. (Turned out to be wishful thinking...)
It's nearly impossible to get clear pictures since she never stops moving. Also it was ridiculously crowded due to the end of summer, half-price day, and a rainy day.

She was excited. And as an added bonus, there were only a couple of tantrums.

Bella with Will, one of our neighbor friends.

A rare still moment.

This time she braved this hugely tall slide that is very steep and very very fast. Last time we went there she got to the top and then cried until a worker climbed up, halted all the other kids, and climbed back down the ladder with her. This time it was a huge hit and she went down it repeatedly. She often tried to get me to go on them with her, but in my pregnant state there was no way. Especially with the pandemonium of other kids. It did cause 3 or 4 crying spells over inadvertent bonks and bumps.
I was not so lucky as to get a rare nap today, but did our hour of quiet time which is all I get these days. I still try to rest, but by the time I doze off and start drooling (I do so in embarrassing prolific amounts) the timer goes off, and by that time Bella is usually calling for me wondering if it's over yet. The result is not so good. I'm groggy and irritated and just want her to veg and watch tv so I can close my eyes. Today my friend Molly stopped by to borrow something and must have read the frustration in my tired-smeared eyes or lethargic movements, because she insisted on taking Bella for a few hours! She has a darling son, Sebastian who is Bella's age, and Mia who is about 9 months old. Who could resist that offer? So she took her for about 2 1/2 hours and I read my Optimism book and had a nap. It sure helped break up the day! Now she is in bed, and all seems well. I am going to eat some chinese leftovers that I bought last Friday and still have since I'm the only one eating it, and watch some Olympics. Nothing productive. That is too much to ask from me right now.

Single-Parenting Depair

This time away from Timm has been so hard. For several reasons, but mostly because Bella has chosen this time to be particularly difficult, presenting some brand-new challenges. There is a marked increase in tantrums, tears, and defiance, which I know comes with the territory of 3. (So far- I do NOT like 3.) But perhaps most challenging are the new sleep issues. Sleep issues are the worst because it occurs at the only time you can hope to count on for some peace and quiet and alone recuperation time. We've been pretty lucky with her as she's always been a fairly reliable sleeper. There was a time, just a few weeks ago, that every single night when I put her down, that was it. I never heard from her again. Just the way I like it. Now it's a total crap shoot every night. She's not napping anymore except maybe 1 or 2 times a week. I continue with our same nurturing and non-rushed bedtime routine, if just a little earlier since she's not napping. She's fine until the very end when she loses it over something ridiculous, I try to calm her down to no avail, and finally tell her I'm leaving. I'm trying to be more consistent because I always used to say 'I'm not coming back in here.' only to return some time later to see what she wanted or to calm her down. No more. I go in one time after I put her down, then when I say I'm not coming back, I mean it. Otherwise she would pander relentlessly for drinks, tickles, more stories, laying down with her, etc. Tonight she chose that moment to start bawling that she was hungry, even though she'd just finished her dinner less than 45 minutes before. I tried to explain that she already had dinner and she couldn't have anything else until morning. I tried to talk to her, it was fruitless, so I left for the last time. I heard her crying and screaming for about 10 minutes, during which time I called timm for support and distraction. Then quiet. I assumed she fell asleep. About 45 minutes later she's at it again. I listen at her door and she's pathetically whimpering 'please, please...'. So I am racked with guilt and a dilemma I don't know how to solve. Stick to my guns and let her learn to fall asleep on her own again? Go in there, risking starting it all over again when she begs me to stay and satisfy her demands and I leave again? So I chose to stick to my guns. The problem is, I'm not accustomed to these sleep issues and the question of whether to let her cry it out. I have no yet become immune to her crying and pathetic whimpers. Conversely, I internalize it so that I feel it too, so I am wracked with guilt and uncertainty. I don't even know if I'm doing the right thing. I just want to be consistent and do what is best for her in the long run. That would be much easier to do if I was assured that what I was doing was the right thing. So here I am alone, these 2 weeks trying to weather and understand these challenging new turns in her personality and habits. I hate it. Parenting is hard enough without having to try and figure it out yourself, or having no one to commiserate with and lean on. I call Timm with all my frustrations and ask for advice, but it's not like having someone here, on your side, to help you figure it out. Will motherhood always be this way? Guilt? Fear that I'm damaging her in some way? Uncertainty that I'm even doing right by her? Frustrated, irritated and challenged by her more often than I enjoy her? I'm tormented, and these last weeks with her have often left me in tears and desperation. I don't know what to do with this girl. I don't know what's going on with her, I don't know how to help her or to remain sane through it. I want to say it's just a stage, or a phase, but is it? Do I just ride it out, knowing it will pass in time and that it is perfectly normal? Or am I ignoring some need she has and until it is met this could continue interminably? Motherhood is fraught with questions and uncertainty. How am I going to do this again? How does anyone ever do it again?

I'm So Tired

It's hard for me to remember, was it always like this? Was I this tired all the time in my previous pregnancies? I'm pretty sure I was...I think with both my last pregnancies I was tired up until the very end, and then I was tired again. The only difference is that now I have a young, active child who doesn't understand my need to doze on the couch and let her mindlessly watch tv for as long as it takes. If I'm not sleepy-tired, falling asleep every time I remains till for a moment., I'm physically too tired and uncomfortable to do much of anything productive or fun. It's hard for me to see beyond being so tired since it only gets worse with a newborn. And again, I've never done this with another child at home before. With Bella I was tired and zombified, but I could also try and sleep in whatever spurts she did. How do you get by when you can't do that? When your child at home doesn't nap anymore and you only get your interrupted nights to sleep? How long will it be before I feel like a normal productive human being again? No matter what's going on around me, it's always really hard for me to see the way out. Whether it's a trying toddler stage (like now) or tired and fat and pregnant (again-) I can't imagine it changing, at least anytime soon. Then my mind stretches to when Fiona sleeps through the night and naps regularly and I can have a normal sleep pattern, only to wonder how I'll possibly have any energy chasing around after 2 young children. So when does it come back? How do normal people (everyone besides me) live fulfilling productive lives while they still have small children? I have many more parenting issues on my mind, but I'm too tired to sort them out. Until later then...

'Learned Optimism.'

Ever since my last post I've been mentally tallying a list of things I want to write about, but have been consumed with formatting my first Blog Book! I have almost finished formatting my first year's blog with Blurb, and will just wait a little while until I can afford to publish it. For anyone who has already done this, what company or site did you use? And for anyone who wants to do this and hasn't, I recommend starting now because it is quite time-consuming, and I have much less to do than many of you! At least I just have my files saved and I can tweak it or publish it at will. At least it's ready.
So what's on my mind right now? This book I started reading last night, 'Learned Optimism'. I frequently read self-help books in an effort to better understand and manage my depression. I don't know how much difference it makes since it's an on-going struggle, but I would say that I've made progress. I think I spend most of my time not depressed, with fewer and shorter 'sodes, and that hasn't always been the case. This book sounded interesting as I would love to be an optimist. I have never thought of myself as a pessimist, really. (Some of you may be snickering-) But truly, I think of myself as realistic, and only given to pessimism when I am depressed. Obviously I can make improvement towards being more of an optimist or I wouldn't be reading this book. Well not too far into the book, I came across the inevitable quiz to determine your degree of pessimism. After all, the author asserts that far more people are pessimists than they realize or would admit. I think it is a very interesting quiz, and not as obvious as so many are. Most of the time I take any sort of personality-revealing quiz I cannot help but try and analyze what I think I am admitting to in my answers. I try to remain unbiased, but I can generally tell which answers are right, and that makes it hard to answer objectively. This quiz was different. It is based on several different criteria, or categories, and if taken with care and thought is very interesting and revealing! I found it online and linked it above if you want to take it- I suggest you do. If you are going to, ignore the next portion of this post until you have taken and scored your own test.
Here were my surprising (to me) results:
The first category is what is called Permanence, or how long you believe certain events will last.
There is Permanent Bad for how you view the bad events that occur. My score was 6, or equal to what is 'quite pessimistic.'
There is also Permanent Good, which measures the same belief only with good things. My score here was 3, or equal to 'moderately pessimistic.'
Next is Pervasiveness- whether you can compartmentalize a problem, or whether it 'bleeds' over into everything. 'It comes down to this: People who make universal explanations for their failures give up on everything when a failure strikes in one area.' That describes me to a 't'! My score for Pervasive Bad was 6, or 'moderately pessimistic.' For Pervasive Good, a 2- 'very pessimistic'.
Next is a gauge for your level of Hope. Another statement that describes me perfectly: 'Finding permanent and universal causes for misfortune is the practice of despair...People who make permanent and universal explanations for their troubles tend to collapse under pressure, both for a long time and across situations... No other single score is as important as your hope score.'
My score: 12, or 'severely hopeless.' Okay.
Personalization: whether you internalize or externalize the causes of good and bad events around you. It is a good indicator of your self-esteem: an optimist would externalize bad events and internalize good ones. So my scores: Personalization Bad- 7, or 'indicates very low self-esteem.' Personalization Good- 3, 'moderately pessimistic.'
Next you use those numbers to calculate your totals of Bad (your views and responses to bad events) and Good(likewise with good events). Bad- 18. 'Anything above 14 cries out for change'. My Good-8, or 'indicates great pessimism.'
Finally, you subtract your Bad score from the Good, and I got -10. It says 'a score of 0 or below is very pessimistic.' I got -10, people. Apparently I am in the lowest scores across the board-in every aspect of pessimism. (and thusly, depression, one can extrapolate.)
Luckily I was laughing out loud throughout the scoring of this quiz, especially at my final score. (That's optimistic, right?) I was really surprised. Even though I wouldn't have previously described myself as a pessimist, I could admit to some pessimism- otherwise I wouldn't fall prey to depression so easily. But I'm really bad off! Stupidly, my first thought was 'Wow, I'm a hopeless pessimist'! Then I immediately realized the redundancy and ridiculousness of that statement.
Something to think about. I'm anxious to read on since I'm only on page 53. I'm sure I will post more revelatory and insightful information from this book as I go on. I am feeling hopeful (despite my hopeless scores) because according to the title of the book, optimism can be learned and I am an anxious pupil!
If you took the test, how did you do?
The Book is 'Learned Optimism' by Martin Seligman.

Disclaimer/Explanation:

I've been blogging a lot more lately, or at least trying to. This increase is mainly due to the pondering I have been giving to documentation and it's importance and relevance. While at Shell's house I produced an impressive 25 layouts (30 pages) and was in quite the scrapbooking groove after lying dormant for about a year. (since we moved-) Despite this groove and my good intentions to continue said groove during Timm's 2-week departure, I am not feeling it. Part of it is frustration because I create all these things, but then no one ever bothers to look at them besides me. I enjoy the process (most of the time) even though it's time-consuming and I devote to it money and space which are both in very short supply. Still, I'm left wondering... is it really that important? Is it worth all the time, effort, money, and space I dedicate to it? (sometimes...) I think I'm just in a funk, but regardless of the duration of this funk I decided that more regular blogging was the answer. Even when I am scrapbooking it's not regular enough to document everything, but blogging can capture it all. Plus, when I do have a page that I want to do I can reference my archives for the details or the journaling itself. Ultimately I would love to publish my blog annually and keep all the volumes as my personal journals. So- for the first time, I really am blogging primarily for me. I love comments and visitors, so I am going to make a concerted effort to come out of the shadows and stop my lurking, but still- I am blogging for me. Yes, for my posterity as well since in published form they will be easier to access years from now, but for now it's my journal. That said, I realize many posts may not be of interest to anyone but me or only those very close to me. I realize that sometimes I may sound negative, very often depressed, but always real, upfront, and honest. When I have a record of my life I don't want anything to be left out. I don't want a rosy portrait only painted of me. I want my kids and my future self to know who I really was, and am. So I'm going forward, Doogie Howser- style in an attempt to capture my (near) daily thoughts, failures, accomplishments, and love of those I share them with. Consider yourself warned- read at your own risk.

Well I'm Glad That's Over!

Yes, over.
I tried my best.
Bella tried her best.
It just isn't the time. Again.

I was really torn about whether to abandon this attempt so quickly, but Bella initiated it when I was already wondering if it was the right time. Last night and today she exhibited some of the most extreme behavior she ever has- my usually tractable, easy-going and happy little girl screamed and cried until 11:15 pm, driving me to the brink of insanity. At one point I even lay down with her until she fell asleep (a first) only to have her wake and scream the minute I tried to escape. Then she woke up in the middle of the night and I did it again! This afternoon, no doubt partially due to the exhaustion from last night's escapade, she threw the biggest tantrum she ever has. It was started by my firm suggestion that she just try to pee on the potty before I continued to read countless stories while she just sat there. (This was after already reading stories and her telling me she didn't need to go-) It escalated to the point where I needed to put her in time out, which is and of itself fairly rare. I had to half carry, half drag her there, bare-bottomed because she refused to put her underwear back on. Usually she just sits in her room and cries when I give her a time out, and seems to be more sad than mad. I usually feel a little bad because I internalize her sadness. Today she charged for the door several times and wouldn't let me close the door, trying to escape. I had to hold the door closed from outside to bar her repeated efforts to yank it open. This might be a normal tantrum for a lot of kids, but this was all very out of character for Bella. Firsts, in fact.
After I got her calmed down, which took considerable patience and time (all hail Prozac!), she mercifully took another 3-hour nap, and so did I. When she woke up we needed to run to the drugstore, so I told her we needed to try and go potty before we left. We sat on the toilet for a few minutes before she declared that she just wanted a diaper. I was hesitant to ask about it, because if she said she wanted to go back to diapers I felt more or less bound to do it, and I wanted to make sure it was the right decision. But she kept hounding me and wouldn't stop asking about putting on a diaper, where they were, etc. So when I asked if she wanted to be done with undies and the potty for now and wear diapers all the time she readily agreed. I was hesitant like I said, because I desperately wanted to stop this insanity, but didn't want to quit just because it was the easiest thing for me right now. If she really wasn't ready, and it wasn't working, and I was fighting a losing battle, then I could try again when she showed more readiness- but I didn't want to quit out of convenience.
So I guess she decided, and I hope that puts an end to her ridiculous behavior, because she pushed me to my breaking point. With Timm gone, pregnant, and dealing with the potty training and the sleep issues, I felt like I couldn't go on. Period. And was left wondering how on earth I ever thought I could have another child when clearly I had no idea what I was doing with this one. So here's to 2 kids in diapers. I have to really try hard not to feel like a failure because I gave up (again) or because she's going to be so old by the time she does potty train.
I know tonight is going to be rough- I have to pay for the inconsistencies and mistakes I made last night in a desperate effort to get her to go to sleep. Tonight I have to lay down the law and be firm, consistent, and let her cry if need be. I'm sure there will be lots of it, with nowhere to escape to, no one to take a turn or commiserate with. But hopefully consistency will put an end to it relatively quickly and I've removed the apparent trauma of potty training.
Raising kids is hard. And complicated.

*Next-Day Note: As if just to add credence to my theory that she is not ready, last night she was perfect. Went to bed like usual, never heard from her again, slept through the night and is amicable and cheerful today. Whew.

Potty Training: Day One

{Our bathroom setup}

So, I don't want to say 'no success', but...it kind of feels that way for today. She never once peed on the toilet. Not once. Through the power of blogging I was able to check back to when our first training attempt was, and it was in the middle of January. Even then, when we had 5 or 6 accidents before lunchtime, even then she still had several excited attempts on the toilet with just a trickle of pee. Today- none. She only had 2 accidents, so at least that kept me from going crazy. When she went down for a nap (which she mercifully took for the first time in 5 days-) I put a diaper on her, and even though I withheld fluids for an hour or so beforehand, she still woke up soaked. Saved it all for the diaper, I think.
What worries me is that she tells me she doesn't know how to pee and asks me for help. I try to explain what it feels like when you have to pee, when you do pee, but it's hard to do in terms she can understand. We've tried at least a dozen times on the potty today, setting the timer for up to an hour between attempts, and then any time she asks to try. I got some special juice which we never have, and have been trying to push fluids all day. We have books just for the potty, so she frequently lures me in there just to sit on the hard tile floor and read to her indefinitely while she keeps up the pretense of 'trying'. This afternoon I borrowed a floor potty from a friend, hoping that would encourage her. We set it in the living room. Oh, the things we do for our children and the desire to teach them some independence. A chamber pot in my living room. Still, nothing.
Oh, except she pooped in the bath, which I can't even remember the last time that happened. She seemed a little freaked out by it, so I immediately put her on the toilet, and somehow she seemed to 'finish' on the toilet so I was able to give her one reward for the day, and hopefully end on a good note.
I just hope she's ready- I assumed she would have to be since she's over 3, but at the same time I probably wouldn't be pushing her yet if the baby wasn't due soon. Timm described it well- he thinks that going to the bathroom is like breathing for her- she never thinks about how she does it, it just happens. So now that I'm asking her to identify it and do so ahead of time, she doesn't really know how. That's the part that makes me wonder.
I'm tired.
I want Timm to come back now.
And help.
And not go back to 3 jobs.
And I want her to go to sleep and stop crying so I can have some peace for at least a small portion of my evening before I do it all again tomorrow.
Is that too much to ask?
Apparently so.

Wish Me Luck

Tomorrow I am planning on starting potty-training. Again. We tried several months ago- I want to say just before or after Christmas, maybe? It lasted for 3 days before it was quite apparent that Bella was not ready. She couldn't even make it for the 15 minute durations I set the timer for, and during those 3 days we pretty much had zero success. She still shows no initiative, which is maddening since she is 3 years and 2 months old, but we're going ahead anyway! I don't want to force it, but I am running out of time if I want to do it before the baby comes in just about 7 weeks. She doesn't seem opposed, just...indifferent. With maybe a slight leaning towards diapers. I pretty much have no idea what I'm doing. I talked about it with Hannah a lot the last time I endeavored this, but other than that I'm pretty much just going for it. For now I am not using a little potty (added expense and mess) but am just using a potty seat for the toilet. I have various treats and small toys and trinkets to bribe her with, but I am expecting this to be a battle. I don't think it will be easy, but I do hope that we have some measure of success. She hasn't napped in 4, count them, 4 days- we have unexplained bedtime battles that we've never before encountered, and I'm on my own for 2 weeks. It's a good thing I'm being steadily medicated again. So- I need any helps, tips, and advice anyone has to offer! Help! I'll take anything!

Self-Medicating

Nothing lifts your spirits like a healthy combination of sugary treats plus antidepressants, so our first stop on the way home from the airport was Rita's Water Ice. I first saw a sign go up on this building several months ago and have been watching and eagerly anticipating it's opening ever since. We had Rita's where I grew up near Philadelphia and I have sorely missed this regional treat, indulging any time a visit to my parents coincided with Rita's inconvenient seasonal schedule. We even looked into franchising, knowing it would go over big in Utah, but they are not expanding west. To know that I now have one just down the street is exhilarating and dangerous. They first opened their doors on Friday, giving away free water ice. Paul and Linda treated our family and theirs and I delighted in my favorite treat- a Mango Gelati. Yesterday on the way home from the airport I decided to see if they were still giving away deliciousness, and they were. So Bella and I indulged again, lifting my spirits a bit and simultaneously teaching Bella to turn to food to drown her feelings.

The second part of my self-medicating combo is Prozac. I called my doctor a few days ago and finally got the okay to add it back into my treatment, starting very slowly. I've only taken it for three days, but I dare say that I can tell a marked difference in my anxiety! Even the morning after I took one piddly little pill I felt calmer and more able to cope. Before I started taking it again I felt like a taut wire ready to snap at the slightest agitation, and the recoil would lash out at anyone in close proximity. Everyone and everything around me drove me crazy and I truly felt like I was going to lose it and direct that at the two nearest people, Timm and Bella. 3 days later, still not up to my standard dose, I feel more like myself- Still not someone able to handle lots of chaos, distractions or stress, but someone better able to cope with those things. Too bad I didn't start sooner so Timm could benefit, but just in time for Timm's departure so Bella might survive this 2 weeks.

Alone Again

{us, shortly before leaving for the airport this afternoon.}

Well not alone exactly- I still have Bella, but Timm left again today for another 2 weeks of training, this time in New Hampshire. Can I tell you I hate it when he leaves? I'm so glad that traveling is not a regular aspect of his job- this last time was by far the longest we've ever been apart. Between his 2 week training and my near-3 weeks in Utah, it was a full month apart. Luckily my time was largely filled with other company. After he was gone for about 5 days my parents came to stay for a couple of days and then I left for Utah. While I still missed him terribly the whole time, I had great companionship during our separation. Way more adult time and socialization than I ever see! This time however, it's just me and Bella, at home, anxiously awaiting his return. I suppose I may get used to being apart if it happened more regularly, but I don't want to get used to it. I'm glad that after 5 years of marriage I still cry when we part and miss him the whole time. Pregnancy hormones and stress don't hurt- they make me ache all the more for his companionship and my selfish reliance on his help. When we were apart for so long I realized that I rely on him for so much- mostly in a good way. Whether it's his manly help lifting, fixing, and figuring things out, or the emotional support and reassurance he constantly gives me, I really rely on him. I can't imagine my life without him. Which is of course what I start to do as soon as I start to miss him- wonder what on earth I would ever do if I lost him for any reason. For the last 3 weeks Timm has been home most of the time as he continued to look for another job and await this training. He still worked 2 or 3 nights a week and Saturdays, but besides that we just spent all of our time together. We've never had that much time together-ever. My only regret is that I was getting so increasingly stressed, and therefore anxious, and frankly- bitchy at times. (Not due to his company, but my hormonal/medication problems...) When he gets home it will be back to the grind- he starts back at school the day after he gets home, returns back to his swim lessons, and is starting a new job serving at Red Robin's. Ahh.. .the plight of a high-school teacher. 3 jobs to makes ends meet. That is not going to go over well when we have a new baby...

{Me, teary-eyed immediately following his drop-off.}

So the short of it is, I love this man, I don't feel deserving of this man, I would rather spend my time with him than anyone else, and I am without him for another 2 weeks. Without him at a time of increased stress and hormones, and a lack of patience and fortitude. The countdown begins...